The glass is half full

recession cartoon

I know it may surprise some of you to learn that The Genius is actually a relentless optimist. Critical as I may sometimes be, the truth is I have a natural tendency to look for the positive in people and situations. It’s just not as entertaining to write about the nice stuff. Sorry.

Given my optimistic nature, it’s been rather annoying to watch tv, read magazines, or even make small talk with my neighbors lately—because everyone has their panties jammed waaaaaaay up their @#$*! as a result of “the current economic situation” [insert melodramatic music here].

Listen, people. I understand that the sh*t has hit the proverbial fan. I’m not denying the facts. We all had one big over-indulgent party together, and now we’re suffering from one MASSIVE hangover. But it doesn’t do us any good to dwell, now does it? Does complaining all day about how much your head aches make things better?

Genius that I am, I’m fairly certain that “this too shall pass” and in the meantime, we best not PANIC. Which is why I took the time out of my very busy and extremely important schedule to throw together a little bit of thinking aptly titled “The Glass is Half Full.” Lest you dismiss it as yet another martini-induced rant, I assure you, it’s got real data. Naturally, it has a few curse words. And most definitely, it offers some fresh perspective.

I hope you’ll enjoy it, and… if you’re so inclined, perhaps you’ll even pass it on. Because just about everyone could use a bit o’ good news.

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The Dreaded 7 Things

This is a photo of me before the "procedure." Totally hot, right?

This is a photo of me before the "procedure." See Random Thing #2 below for details.

Several weeks ago I was “tagged” by the Online Marketer with the dreaded “7 Things” meme. A few days later, a similar meme made its way to me via Facebook—only this time, the stakes were raised: 25 Random Things were required. [DOH!]

Never one to be a spoil-sport, I decided to approach this task with a little creativity. We’ll call it  “tagging mashup”.

TAGGING MASHUP:
Instead of posting “7 Random Things About Me,” I’m going to post 6 Random Things About Other People and just one that’s actually about me.

So… Place your bets. Make it into a drinking game. Or just kick up your heels and see how good you are at teasing out the truth from the fibs. “Answers” posted in fine print at the very bottom.

Without further ado…

7 Random Things […One of Which is Actually] About Me:

1. I am so hot that I am forced to wear fire retardant underwear for fear of spontaneously combusting at the most inappropriate moments, such as the time I burst into flame at Ricardo Montalban’s memorial service and, regrettably, set the man’s Escape from the Planet of the Apes costume aflame. So embarrassing. I am banned from the Hollywood Forever Funeral Home (appropriately) forever.

2. I used to be a man, but found all that body hair and beer-drinking to be… soooo unladylike. So I had a little “procedure.” Hey, why fight Mama Nature, right?

3. I habitually lose my wallet. And habitually get it back. Total waste of karma.

4. After I had sex for the first time, I called my grandma and told her. Her response? “That’s wonderful!”

5. This is my favorite YouTube video. Ever.

6. Ladies love me, girls adore me—I mean even the ones who never saw me.

7. I was born in Communist Russia. My grandparents often speak of what life was like under Stalin. Oddly, I hear it’s a lot like living there now.

DRINK!

***

And now for the truth:
#1 FALSE. Written by brilliant copywriter Brook Long who was last seen wearing flame retardant underpants somewhere near Mann’s Chinese Theatre.
#2 FALSE. Totally made that up b/c I needed an excuse to use that hot naked guy photo in this post. Sue me.
#3 & #4 FALSE. Both of these were written by another brilliant writer/friend who shall go unnamed to protect her privacy (love ya, Melissa!)
#5 FALSE. Definitely one of my favorites, but perhaps not the MOST favorite. Thanks to @ClarkleSparkle for introducing me to it.
#6 FALSE. Actually the lyrics from Rob Base’s “It Takes Two.” Oldie but a goodie.
#7 TRUE. Though technically I was born in Odessa, which is in the Ukraine, but back then it was all just one big happy USSR.

A little marketing genius from Durex

Honestly, I’ve never even heard of Durex… then again, I’m not exactly their target market. But this little piece of marketing genius practically made me pee myself. It’s NSFW, but then that’s true about most things I post on this blog, right?

Note: Turn up the volume when you watch this, the sound effects are precious.

Ad Guy to the rescue!

It’s not a bird. It’s not a plane. It’s… Ad Guy.

[I particularly enjoy their approach to making copies. Thanks, “Marc with a C.”]