It’s me: The Genius!

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays after school I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a blender and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.


Ok, fine, that’s all B.S. Actually it’s a brilliant piece of writing which, according to urban legend, was an admissions essay submitted by a prospective NYU student. I’d love to give the little genius credit, but our friends at Google have not yet made their search engine powerful enough to locate the tyke.

If you’ve gotten this far on the page, I have to assume you REALLY want to know about me. So fine, I’ll tell you:

I’m a BONAFIDE marketing genius. Yes, indeed… in fact, I don’t know how to say this, but… I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. My apartment smells of rich mahogany… and I have many leather-bound books.

Shit, there I go again, plagiarizing.

For real this time:

My name is Marta Kagan. I’m not really a genius (you may have guessed that by now), but I sometimes play one on the Web. I love interactive marketing (sick as that sounds) and the whole strategy/psychology piece behind the discipline of marketing. Also, I have strong opinions.

Prior to becoming a Bonafide Marketing Genius, I ‘d held quite a few job titles, including (in no particular order) Marketing Manager, President/CEO, Project Manager, Program Manager, Cheerleader, Waitress, Babysitter, Yoga Instructor, Physical Therapist, Sales Representative, Customer Service Agent, Office Manager, Administrative Assistant, Retail Slave, Life Coach, Career Coach, Web Marketing Consultant, Speaker, Author, Mother, Divorcee, Wife, Legend, Dancer, Gymnast, Scooter-Rider, Mac-Lover, Dog-Owner, and Entrepreneur… all of which, I believe, qualify me to rant and rave about all things marketing, particularly those of the interactive/Web 2.0/social media ilk.

One day soon, I’ll post my complete bio. For now, you can read more about me here.

Have something to share? Post a comment or send me a note: mzkagan99 [at] gmail [dot] com

Thanks for stopping by!

12 Responses

  1. 🙂

  2. […] Wish I’d Written This… July 1, 2008 — recruiter Alrighty – Marta Kagan, a self-proclaimed (acknowledged? yeah, that’s probably closer to it) marketing genius, has a […]

  3. […] 2008 Marketing , Medien , New Social Media , PR , Social Web , Tipps , Web 2.0 , WordPress Marta Z. Kagan ist eine selbstbewusste Bloggerin (”The Secret Diary of a Bonafide Marketing Genius”) […]

  4. Love your collection of sites, good work! I am contemplating switching from a free blogger site (I paid $10 for the domain but the hosting is free and has a banner) to a site hosted at wordpress.com like yours.

    Can you give me a clue what the experience is like for a blogger on the WP servers? They don’t explain it as well as they could at their own site.


  5. “While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me'” – I thought a young Chuck Norris may have written this, but he would not have negotiated with the terrorists.

  6. Hi Marta — that essay, which is one of my favourite pieces of writing ever, was written as part of an essay-writing contest by Hugh Gallagher, about whom there is more here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Gallagher_(humorist)

  7. […] came across the What the F**K is Social Media presentation by Marta Kagan on Slideshare and was really impressed with how well she tells the story of social media. […]

  8. Hello Marta,

    I was driven to your site by your “What the F*** is Social Media” presentation. Which is highly useful by the way… So this led me to your “genius” urban legend essay. I’ve never seen this before and am dying to know how you came across it???

  9. @Anna – Looks like @Mathewingram has uncovered the source of this fantastic bit of prose as noted above. Here’s the link one more time: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Gallagher_

  10. Greetings Marta,

    You had me at “What the F**k is Social Media”…but when I found out you breed award winning clams, well let me just tell you: cool points are out the window cuz I’m all twisted up in the game. Legendary.

  11. Thanks Zach! Box ‘o clams en route. Hope you’re hungry 😉

  12. Hello Marta,

    I’m doing a research project for an advertising class at Western Kentucky University. Cliff Shaluta (www.adthinktank.com) is my professor, maybe you’ve heard of him? Anyway, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to amuse me by answering a few non-intrusive questions about your profession. Hope to hear from you.


    Great presentation by the way.

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